I Give You The Centaur Lady

In case you haven't heard the recent news from the Cambodian jungle from the last few days, a woman was found stealing rice from a farmer and she was later realized as a girl who went missing in 1988 while herding buffalo. Hang on a sec here...ok, I'm cool. I couldn't figure out which was more appalling...someone being found after having been missing for NINETEEN FUCKING YEARS or an 8 year-old girl herding buffalo. I guess they're equal.

The locals there are likening her to an animal, and rightfully so. Apparently, she just sits in one place and quickly turns her head left to right, over and over, like a squirrel might. Also, upon being clothed and walked outside, she promptly de-clothed herself and sprinted back towards the jungle. I mean, can you blame her? Look at guys who come out of prison and can't re-adapt to society...and these guys have had human contact and square meals the whole time away. Here's a woman, a 27 year-old woman, who has been hunting and gathering, living with jungle animals (sloths and whatnot), walking on all fours and sleeping during the day for nineteen years. How weird would it be for her to be walked into a Stop N Shop or an arcade? Jesus, she'd probably bury herself in the produce. Imagine having hunted game and gathered grains and shit for so long. All of a sudden, you're in the markets of Cambodia where you have the right to barter for anything you want. My guess is that her bartering skills aren't exactly honed to perfection.

Remember Brooks from Shawshank? Look what happened to that fucker. And he worked in the library of the prison...the cushiest job of them all. Granted, he befriended a crow whom he named Jake and he tried to kill Boggs with a letter opener...but still. He was better suited for society than the centaur lady, right? Look, she's basically half woman, half beast so centaur lady works for me.

I think there was a movie made about something like this, not so long ago. It was called Encino Man. Perhaps we can sit centaur lady in front of the old tube for a few days in a row and have her watch it. We'll give her plenty of bugs and long grain rice to munch on (healthier than Goobers and buttered popcorn, right?) and see if she can learn anything from it. Seriously though, what could anyone possibly see as a good way to adapt this centaur lady into society? Maybe home schooling. Right, because kids who are home-schooled in this country are so normal. I played soccer with one of those kids when I was 12. His name was Forrester. Enough said. Perhaps we could display the centaur lady at the zoo somewhere. This seems pretty logical, although she may get freaked out when someone's kid snaps a photo of her and then tries to give her one of his french fries.

Here's an interesting thought: do you think she had sex in the jungle? Maybe she found some giant Silverback and befriended him. Eventually he's gonna let his ape instincts take over. Imagine, you're trekking through the jungle in Cambodia on a tour. "To your left, we have a rare blue-beaked, green-toed parrot who speaks 34 languages and to the right, you'll see a...oh, good lord. I believe that's an ape having sex with a cavewoman. And she seems to be enjoying it...tour's over." Although I cannot even imagine the state of this centaur lady's hygiene after this little jungle vacation. Sure, she probably got rained on plenty but last I checked, Cambodian jungle rain doesn't contain shampoo. She's gotta be diseased, right? But wicked strong and alert at all times...she'd have to be. There's some serious shit in the jungle that could easily destroy her. Oh man, the snakes? A 35-foot anaconda? Or a fucking human? Most dangerous game.

I'm really intrigued by this development in friendly Cambodia. If anyone is up for it and can fund the trip, I say we head over there and film some shit. If 'Jackass' and 'My Super Sweet Sixteen' can make money, there's gotta be an audience for 'Crazy Centaur Lady'.