The Uncle's Wonders, Vol. Two

Last night was one for the fucking ages. It was one of those occasions that I can replay in my head whenever I'm really pissed or depressed and I will surely laugh. Here goes.

So Tubby and I played a little poker last night, both losing pretty handily but managing to tie one on before we left. We had to drop Kane's ass off in effing Brookline after, which meant a solid half-hour addition to our commute home. Anyway, Tubs gets the call from a previous one-night stand (kind of...) and toys with the idea of having her over this evening. Let me tell you, if booze didn't play a role in this one there's no fucking way he even considers letting her come over. No way.

So he agrees to pick her up at her place on our way back. Sensational, considering this means serious entertainment for me when we get back to Humboldt. As we wait outside her place beeping the horn, he looks at me and says, "Should we just get the fuck out of here?" Naturally I tell him that would be excellent, so long as she hasn't seen us yet. And she hadn't, apparently. So we drive away. While this is all happening, I'm thinking about how he's going to explain this to her, considering she thought we were coming to get her in the first place and probably heard our beep and eventually went outside. But whatever, Tubby can pretty much talk himself out of a paper bag so I knew he'd surely have a Bueller-like excuse for this girl.

Sure enough, when she calls to complain about us not being outside, he claims that he thought the whole thing was a joke because it was so late. And she buys it. Case closed, right? Oh god, no. Not on this night. As we settled in our respective pre-beds in front of the tube, she calls again and offers to drive over. Calling her bluff, Tubby says it would be fine if she wants to and then offers to park her car for her upon arrival. That one threw me for a loop, but hey, he is the Uncle and most of what he does is beyond the slightest hint of a rational thought. So she comes over.

We all spend a few minutes together in front of the tv as the girl and I get caught up; it had been a while since I saw her last, so we had the standard 'how were your holidays' discussion. Nothing to report from that exchange, sadly. Following this, I shuffle off to bed as it's midnght and I am exhausted. The next thing that happened will go down as the funniest thing that's ever happened to me upon waking up; as I recount this, some will be left out because I know more was said than what I can remember...but I was very groggy and half-asleep, so don't be pissed.

(hand on my arm shakes me awake)

Uncle: "Dude."

Me: "What? What time is it? What the fuck?" (I sit up and draw the blind, certain he's going to tell me that we both overslept and it's like noon or something)

Uncle: "DUDE, relax. It's quarter-to-one. You went to bed less than an hour ago. What's wrong with you?"

Me: "What?? What do you want? WHAT TIME IS IT?"

Uncle: "She fucking told me she loves me."

(silence for about a minute as I muffle my soon-to-be raucous laughter with my pillow)

Uncle: "Dude, she said that if she brought me home to her Dad, he would love me. And then her mom, forget it. What the FUCK?"

(further silence dotted with squeaks from under my blankets as my laughter starts to become more than I can handle)

Me: "So did you bang her?"

Uncle (voice getting higher and higher with his anxiety): "NO. She's fucking ON THE RAG. No sex. Nooooooooo sex."

(I burst into absolutely uncontrollable laughter, as I go into the fetal position like it hurts)

Uncle: "I hate you. Fuck you." (he walks out and slams the door behind him...ten more minutes of me pissing myself)

And SCENE.