Today's Blog Is Brought To You By The Letter 'E'

The letter E is a very versatile letter as far as letters are concerned. Today, I will explore the many uses of 'E' and how it affects all of us on a daily basis.

From a sporting standpoint, any moron knows that if you record an error in baseball, it comes up as E-#, depending on the position. For instance, a pitcher's error would be denoted as E-1. I love how in NY this season, Yankee fans held signs that read 'E-Rod' as opposed to 'A-Rod'. In the future, the words 'love' and 'NY' will never be used in the same sentence again.

I always wondered why 'E' was left out of the grading system in school. If you think about it, 'F' is the only letter on this scale that actually abbreviates what it stands for: Fail. 'A',' B', 'C' and 'D' don't stand for anything, so why did they skip 'E' in favor of 'F'? Maybe they should have associated a word with all of the letters so that 'E' could have been incorporated in the scale. You got an 'A', that's Awesome. A 'B'? Still a Big effort. If you landed a 'C', you're just Commonplace, or Customary. A 'D' and your Downright Dismal, or Deficient...perhaps Dreadful, but still not the worst. Now we get to 'E', which could have meant Erroneous, Empty or Exiguous. Then we can get the 'F', wherein you're just Fucked if you're receiving such a grade.

How many people drive on a regular basis? I hate the 'E' in my gas gauge, because it means that I have spend another $35 to fill that bitch up again. The light that comes on for 'low fuel' drives me nuts, because it's just so subtle. If I am ever in the car manufacturing business, my gas gauges will employ a voice; perhaps the voice will be that of Schwarzenegger. When you have little to no gas left, he will tell you to 'Get to the Gas Station', or a subtler 'I'm thirsty, don't let me dehydrate'. This way, you're actually scared to continue on without filling up right away. Or on the contrary, you can yell back at Schwarzenegger and say 'Shuuut uuuup', all Kindergarten Cop-style. By the way, boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

I've never seen nor heard that they actually exist, but supposedly there is a cup-size of 'E' where the bra is concerned. Personally, I don't think I'd want to handle such a chore because they'd be bigger than my head. And in the event of running into the dreaded 'EE', well, I feel for you, man.

Finally we come to my favorite use of the 'E'. I'd like to award some credit here, but I don't know who started it...so I will divide credit amongst my boys, Richie, the Uncle and B. Somewhere along the line we started doing the Letterman collar-pull and saying 'eeeeeee' like Letterman does occasionally on his show (so I suppose it was spawned from him). We eventually lost the collar-pull and now it's just an elongated 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'. The lengths vary though, so if it's not that bad but still notably bad, you may hear the abridged 'eee'. Over text messaging, a horribly bad thing will be denoted by a capital 'E' in lieu of typing in a bunch of little 'e's. There's also a hybrid of 'eeeee' and 'yikes' that exists, but it's a little less common...it goes a little something like "yeeeeeee-ikes". Here's an example of how the different 'eeee's might be used in conversation in my circle:

Carl: "Hey B, you comin' over for MNF tonight?"
B: "No, I'm baking sugar cookies for my school bake sale tomorrow."
Carl: "Eeeee."

Richie: "How'd your weekend go, guy? You get after it a little bit?"
Me: "Nah, not really. I took some girl home on Friday but all we did was spoon all night."
Richie: "Yeeeeeeeee-ikes."

Me: "Dude, your phone has been ringing for 10 minutes. Who the fuck keeps calling?"
Carl: "Who do you think? It's Em. She wants to get touched."
Me: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

This is a raw sample purporting a few of the many ways that we incorporate 'E' into our everyday lives. The examples above are purely hypothetical, except for the first three. Eeeeeeeeee.

Hope you all have a sick Monday. Keep it fresh.