I hadn't had a physical for seven years before visiting the less-than-lovely South Boston Community Health Center yesterday afternoon. It was quite an experience. I fielded a series of questions upon entering the exam room with the doctor. He asked me everything from parental health to sexual activity and he seemed very nervous the whole time. I didn't think doctors were socially inept, but maybe I haven't been exposed to a true sample. My pediatirican was a real ball-buster (figuratively, you sicko) and the other two budding doctors that i know are both fairly charming and funny individuals.
Anyway, he assured me that by the time I left the appointment I would have all of my questions answered as well as know how to give myself a testicular cancer exam. I appreciated both assurances a great deal.
The weirdest point of my physical came during his lesson for testing myself/my balls. At one point, he was talking to me, looking up at me, and holding my nuts in one of his hands. He spoke about feeling the testes for a good five minutes, all the while cupping my balls in his left hand. I'm standing there with my boxers at my ankles, and all I can say is "Yup. Yup. Yup." I was staring at the wall, praying for it to be over. It amazes me that it's so natural for these guys to have a pair of balls in their hand and not think anything of it. I guess that's why he's the doctor and I'm not. Ball tolerance. I have no tolerance for another's balls, in any regard.
The second weirdest part came when he asked me if wanted the rectal exam, or the two-finger test. I adamantly shook my head. I couldn't even utter the words "fuck, no" because I was speechless. Do men have this done at an early age just to be on the safe side? Boy, I hope not. I've got another 12 years of letting this opportunity pass me by and I'm thrilled about that.
Something else came to mind today that pissed me off. I was having lunch with the sales team from my company at Longhorn Steakhouse this afternoon and i had to visit the men's room as soon as we arrived. Why is it that 90% of all restaurants can't have simply 'MEN' and 'WOMEN' on the doors of the restroom? It drives me insane. This one had 'BULLS' and 'LAMBS'. Stupid. Ever been to the Outback? 'BLOKES' and 'BIRDS'. That one got me steamed the first time I went there because I have no fucking idea what a BLOKE is. And BIRD was pretty indeterminate as well. Some others I've seen: LADS and LASSES (not so bad. I'm a nice LAD), HARRIES and SALLIES (I opted to piss behind the dumpster upon seeing this), JACKS and JILLS (cute. While I'm in your bathroom, I'll be sure to fetch the pail of water without breaking my crown, you dipshit)...the list goes on. What ever happened to BOYS and GIRLS?
My nose is running. I've gotta go catch it.
7 comments:
the only bathroom door situation i can think of worse is the bars that think they are hilarious by having girls' doors that say "guys" and then a tiny arrow below it pointing to the opposite door, and vice versa, practically BEGGING every single person to go in the wrong door. fuck off. next place i'm at that has this 'joke' is getting their bar pissed on.
Ahh..French...not to mess with your head...but id would like to point out a few little things. Enjoy!
#1: At no point in history has there been ANY evidence to show that self-administered testicular examinations are of any benefit. (in fact recent evidence showed that repeated self tests could actually be harmful) Therefore, his 5 minutes tutoring testicular massage was for his benefit, not yours.
(otherwise the whole thing could have been done in like 5 seconds)
#2: There is also no evidence for giving a healthy 27 year old male a rectal exam. Period. Again for his benefit.
Scary huh? Enjoy the rest of your afternoon.
jimbo-i like it. give the bartender a shout for me while you're pissing, middle finger style. And please, tear it up in Vegas.
As for you, Dr. Anonymous, do me a favor and eat a heaping pile of shit for me. I like how you throw in the 'no point in history'. You're are clearly a highly knowledgable soul. As for the other thing, you probably meant that there is no evidence OF BENEFIT for giving a 27 year-old a rectal exam.
My comebacks/arguments here are weak, therefore proving that in this case, I got nuthing. Good O.
simply hilarious.
nice start to my morning of the most-boring-week-to-work friday.
thanks!
Glad I could brighten your morning, Doc. Happy New Year.
I almost pissed myself reading your post bro- you are a funny man. Our roast beef book will not only be educational and dynamic it will also be very funny. I'm starting with Harrison's this weekend, King Beef with Sauce & Cheese bitch!!
Yes, that dude felt your balls for entirely too long.
two things i love:
ball tolerance
the fact that i'm SO with you on the bathroom door lingo shit.
john (last anonymous comment person) told me i HAD to come here and read this post. he thinks you're freakin' hysterical, and so do i.
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