M.I.A.

I'm issuing a few rewards for anyone who can find the following people/groups and tell me WHERE THE FUCK they/he are/is. That's a little confusing...maybe not.

1. The REAL Patriots. I know that Miami is the black hole for New England's beloved team, but give me a fucking break. Brady threw for 78 yards. SEVENTY-EIGHT. Can someone please account for the offensive line's joke of a performance? I know Jason Taylor is good an all, and yes, Belichick even sucks his hog. But the guy posed for a male calendar. Can't someone at least talk some serious shit to this guy on the line and get his head or something? Daniel Graham's hands are still being held prisoner at the University of Colorado and it's got a REALLY TIGHT GRIP ON MY BALLS. I know Maroney is hurt, but how much Kevin Faulk do we have to see over the course of a key game? Bullshit. We had a chance to get in the mix for home-field advantage yesterday. Mission: Failed. Miserably. Come on boys. Please cover against the Texans so I can leave Vegas happy. Most telling lines from family members after the game:

Dad: "Apparently the Pats let the Beverly Pop Warner D-Team play against the Dolphins."

Cousin-in-law Jeff: "Yeah, the Pats and Dolphins switched uniforms before the game."

2. Daisuke (Die-suck-A). They've got until Thursday at 11:59pm to sign his Japanese ass. I'll be on a plane at this time, so make my landing a happy one and wrap it up. WRAP IT UP. Boras is addressing the media from Newport tonight, and I hope to God he has something promising to say about the progress. It does make me a little wary that I know next to nothing about this guy and I want him in a Sox uniform next season in the worst way. I guess it's good that Schilling is taking Japanese lessons, but they do have a Japanese set-up man as well. Also missing: a closer. Gagne is now a pipedream because the Rangers have taken then lead in that race. Maybe they'll bring Jeff Reardon out of his retirement, which he's spending in a room with no windows and no light. All the best, Jeff.

3. My boy B. I know you've had some serious school work to do, but DUDE. 6 Humboldt is missing you, man. Get your shit done and rejoin the human race after we return from Vegas. We will be doing MANY shots of Patroooooooooon for you, my man. Many. OGY.

4. My condoms. Although, I know where these have gone. The Uncle's b 'n' b is over tonight and I am leaving the vicinity for the sake of my ears and my body; I fear the reading on the Richter scale (Richter?) during tonight's cage match. She's a screamer, everybody. My fingers are crossed for the schoolgirl outfit, Tubs. Maybe your support of the Japanese condom manufacturer Kimono will get to the ears of Daisuke and he'll be so moved that he'll sign tonight. No good?

My prayers tonight are with Muhsy, because I need him to collect 27 points for me to have the top point total of the week. If he doesn't, this honor will lie in the deserving arms of the Uncle. Also, I'll be praying that the Vegas 4 make it back safe and sound on Monday morning, pockets full and minds in one piece. Do you think it's possible to play smart poker on shrooms? Hmm. Hope so!