All I Want For Christmas...

Hey all,

Listen, I just want to set a few basic ground rules for Xmas shopping this year in regards to me. I've received some real garbage in the past and I really do not want any repeats of the J. Crew pants fiasco of 2002. Here goes:

Unacceptable gifts:

NO PAC-SUN OR DICKIES PANTS! These things really hug my balls and just make things uncomfortable for me down there. Shirts are fine, but nothing with palm trees or rainbow colors. I AM NOT GAY.

ABSOLUTELY NO COLLARED SHIRTS!!! I don't know how this happened, but ever since I graduated college, Mom has thought it necessary to only buy me collared shirts for Christmas. The one year I opened a box WITHOUT a collared shirt, she actually took it back from me because it was mislabeled and should have been for my brother. So if you are a decent human being, NO COLLARED SHIRTS!!!

Acceptable gifts:

Natural drugs (nothing synthetic, like acid, or meth or something. Mushrooms are fine, pot, etc.)

Booze is ok, but no wine coolers. Jameson or Jack Daniels would be good, but don't insult my tastebuds by purchasing the cheap sh*t. NOT COOL.

Cash is always good. However, stay away from the $20 in the money envelope. Way overdone, folks. Be a little more creative, maybe like putting a $100 in between the breasts of a stripper and sending her to the house to deliver my gift. Wish I had thought of this years ago.

A fail-safe gift would be of the stripper variety, but a little more festive. To be sure I am fulfilled at Xmas, send a hooker to the house for me. BE SURE YOU PAY HER ENOUGH, or else it could turn into a really bad gift. I'm thinking like a grand or so..that should cover all the bases.

I hope this helps you guys out in finding me the perfect gift for this Xmas. So you know, I will be sending out another list come the Spring so you can best prepare for my birthday gifts. Happy Holidays and if you show up with any of the 'Unacceptable' gifts on Xmas, there will be serious consequences.