Die, Seacrest. Die!

Simply because a common plague in my industry is referred to as having a 'dirty hole', I hear a lot of innuendo over the course of the day. The 'dirty hole' is caused by caustic polymers that a lot of my customers extrude to make whatever it is they make and they often run into issues with the reliability and accuracy of their process because their polymer will corrode/abrase/fuck up their shit. Thus, they've got a dirty hole. There's nothing like talking to one of the scientists in the lab at Cal-Berkeley (most of whom are women) and saying "Ahhh, yes. This is nothing more than you having the classic dirty hole, Vanessa." The response can be so priceless when you say this to someone...

Scientist: "Um, dirty hole? I'm sorry? That sounds quite alarming and equally unsettling."

Me: (snickering) "Yes, yes...the old dirty hole. Not what you think though...I would never suggest that you have a filthy, rotten vagina. I'm referring to your thread holes...you're using polystyrene and it's too abrasive for your threading. Thus, you have a dirty hole."

It never ceases to amaze how much innuendo is truly out there and how often people either don't recognize it, or simply pass on a perfectly good opportunity to burst into laughter or add some off-the-cuff remark and make someone uncomfortable. Something recently overheard that could have been taken advantage of and wasn't...

Mailroom conversation between nasty lady at work and mailroom guy:

"Is that mine? Yeah ok, just throw it in my box. I haven't taken anything out of it in a while as you'll see, but just stuff in in there. I don't mind."

The mailroom dude failed miserably and didn't say a thing back. He could have said: "Oh, I bet there's plenty of room...I'm sure you've got a huge box."

Moving on, I caught a portion of American Idol last night...not my choice, but I watched and took in the show that, to most people, is my 24...can't miss and look forward to from Monday night at 10pm until it's on again. I still don't get it. What is the big draw to this show?

Is American Idol not a perfect little microcosm of why certain Middle-Eastern, Islamic cultures despise us with such unbridled passion? You're damn right it is. Last night, some average-looking white girl butchered a Diana Ross tune and then proceeded to cry tears of thanks and joy when the much-maligned but more maligning Simon Cowell told her that he was impressed with her composure and presence on stage and didn't think the poor quality of the performance really mattered too much. Well, thanks be to Lord Cowell! God save the man who may have preserved her shot at having the whole country wish they were her! How can she produce enough tears to show him that she's so very thankful that she could still be in the running to make enough money to sit around and get fat, then lose weight, then get fat, then lose weight, then get fat, then lose weight just like Mariah Carey? Me! Me! Me! I want people to be me and you, Simon, have preserved that chance!

Maybe a better course of action for the US would be to broadcast American Idol 24/7 in the streets on Iraq, on on the airwaves of public radio/tv in Afghanistan. My parents watch that show, I know they do. And they probably really like it and my mom is just really pulling for that handsome boy who reminds her of a young version of my dad to win this week and oh, they're singing Neil Diamond songs! We must DVR this one! I don't care. I hate this show more than a Very Brady Christmas. It fucking sucks, especially when they push Friday Night Lights back a week in order to run a 2-hour episode in its place. Ryan Seacrest should be executed in front of the entire mass of people who watch American Idol and then they should ask the audience to vote on whether or not they think he really has a vagina under there. I bet he does.