This afternoon I ventured out of the office to fill up my gas tank. The trip brought some good along with some bad. The bad was that I forgot my wallet, so said tank was never filled with any sort of fuel. The good was a hotdog stand on the side of the road, occupied by two female vendors clad in string bikinis; it was aptly named "Hottie's Hotdogs". Granted, this is Franklin and a hot woman here is the equivalent of Wisconsin's annual Miss Thunder Thighs Pageant...but still a novel idea and one that has spurred others of the like in my head.
Fruity's Fruits
Why not set up two flamingly gay men in front of a fruit stand and have them loudly sell fruit? They'd probably make a fortune doing it because, for one, people love roadside fruit stands anyway. Add two gay men who are obnoxiously loud and aggressive and they're sure to strike a little fear in the customer, thus forcing them to buy more fruit.
Customer: "I'll just have this one mango, please."
Gay Man: "Ex-cuuuuse me? I don't think sooooo! No one in her right mind buys a mango without buying at least 2 guavas. It's just not sane. It's 2 guavas or you can just scoot that little butt right out of this fruit stand, Missy."
Tubby's Tubs
I think a really tubby (or portly) man selling tubs would be the best and most effective way to demonstrate the size of the tub. This also leaves a high probability for the very funny song, "Fat Guy in a Little Tub".
Gimpy's Gimp
Something about a legit gimp selling gimp on the side of the road is particularly funny to me...but maybe just me. I mean, I have to assume that said gimp has plenty of time on his hands, so what better way to spend it than making a bunch of gimp bracelets and selling gimp to others? Look, all I'm saying is if I'm going to buy gimp from anyone, it'll be from a gimp.
Mike's Mics
This one is nothing special, but if you're going to buy a mic, you might as well buy it from a guy named Mike. He should know more about a mic than anyone else in my opinion.
Alright, I'm exhausting my creative muscles here and frankly, these just aren't doing it for me anymore. At first it seemed like a great idea, but now it's fizzled out into something bordering absurd. Imagine that, an absurd idea seen on this blog. I never thought I'd see the day, did you?
I leave you with this top 5 list:
Most Bad-Ass Names For Boys
1. Magnus
2. Bruno
3. Dolf
4. Dirk
5. Vito
When I have a son, if he comes from school one day and warns that he is on the verge of a fight and the opposing kid's name is one of the previous, I will instruct him not to fight this child. Under no circumstances should you EVER fight someone named Magnus. Or Bruno, etc. No way.
7 comments:
I would say that if you name your kid Magnus, Bruno, Vito, etc. you are predisposing him to be a badass/world's strongest man participant/leader of the underworld, much the same way if you name your girl Ginger, Cinnamon, etc. she will be a stripper/prostitue.
I don't remember anyone named Magnus, but I do know a Bruno, two to be exact, and they seem to be pretty good guys. I also know a couple of Vitos, and they are nowhere near being gangsters, or even arm-twisters.
Wasn't there a basketball player named Dolf (Shays), which, I believe is short for Rudolph(f). As for Dirk, the only Dirks I ever heard of were in movies. One was an actor, but I can't remember his last name. The other was a character in "Boogie Nights", Dirk Diggler.
Maybe you should come up with some other offerings. What about Tony (Soprano) - a pretty nasty character, if you ask me.
Love this post. Although it brought up my PTSD surrounding school bathroom breaks when all the Dolfs, Magnuses and Vitos of the world would laugh, "hey, there's John going to the John!" Yes, a little bathroom humor mixed with pre-pubescent senses of humor went a long way in destroying my self-esteem in the 2nd grade. Which leads me to ask, how could you forget, "John's Johns"? What about "Queer's clothes", some gay guy selling really strange clothes. Or how about, Barbie's Barby, some woman named Barbie selling grills. Or how about . . . you're right, the fun of this wears off fairly quickly.
As for tough sounding names . . . I actually thought about naming Joe "Bruno" because I wanted him to be a bad ass, then I watched Dancing with the Stars and it was all over. No way is my kid going to be a flaming choreographer that never knows when to shut up. That dude ruined a fine I-talian name for me. I do like Magnus and I would have to say that if your son is named Magnus and doesn't win the World's Strongest Man title, you would have to "put him down" humanely to spare the tears of the great Nordic Gods of Viking lore.
-Gilbert
As a joke, we contemplated the name "Butch" for your nephew. Oh my god, could you imagine Aaron's name being Butch? All his peaceful, pansy attributes would have been so wrong with a name like Butch. I guess Chris and I knew full well though, we'd never be able to conceive a tough-guy, so the name Butch didn't make the cut. The jury is still out, but Aaron could be the fruit guy one day. Kill me if he is the tubby one; that would be Chris' worst nightmare, too. Ha ha ha!
Here's a "novel idea" for you, might want to think about not forcing a post every day. I remember propping you in the past about my favorite of your blogs, i think the one about the bed sizes. This one, on the other hand, ya might be the worst. Professor Verts called and said you still owe an assignment from comp sci 101. Yikes. Mr. B, i believe you missed a guy named dirk nowitzki.
Ponch, how about you actually write more than once a year. Then you can make comments like that, you worthless piece of garbage. You, my friend, bring absolutely nothing to the table. NOTHING..ZERO.
I could have predicted that response. You have to take the bad comments along with the good gee. A little criticism is good for you, eh from time to time.
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