In Like a Lion...

Yeah, not really. March kind of came in like a lion on heroin, if you ask me. Case in point, today's 'blizzard' turned out to be rain and wind...you know, I'm sorry if you're a meteorologist, but who the fuck needs these people? Yes, people make this argument probably every day because it is so fucking rare that the weatherperson is actually accurate...but seriously. How do you study weather patterns and such for so many years only to be continually fooled by erratic storms and a fickle sun? Well, I'm not a scholar by any stretch of the imagination but listen...why not just get up there and say something resembling the following:

"Ok, and now for today's AccuWeather Forecast...let's see, looks like there's a chance of this enormous storm barreling through the city and dropping a foot of snow within two hours. There's also a chance that it might not even come close to coming through the city...in fact, there's a great chance that it might be sunny and unseasonably warm today. Who the fucks knows?! You know, if you're paying any mind to my weather report, you might as well know that when I'm done here at Channel 7, I travel across town to Channel 9 and give a weather report as well, only it's the exact opposite of what I tell the people who watch Channel 7. This way, at least I have a 50/50 shot of being right and that's more than any other meteorologist can say. Tune in tomorrow morning, as I will be letting my three year-old son predict the weekend weather. And then next week's weather will feature me talking dirty to a stripper with the voice of Al Roker patched over it, giving the weather report." Bottom line, if this is 'in like a lion', 'out like a lamb' should consist of something like 75° days, pure sunshine, parasols falling from the sky and the occasional storm but instead of rain, there will be Malibu rum coming down.

I was thumbing through my phone this morning and I picked out the top 5 text messages I have received thus far in 2007...as follows:

5. (2/18 at 5:19pm) From: Nate

"Brady planted the seed in Moynihan, now she owns his soul, which leads me to my next point..."Wrap it up, keeeeeeeed!" (keeeeed is our version of kid)

4. (2/17 at 3:57am) From: Yost

"P-U-double S-why. Because I love it. Much love, player."

(dude I went to college with...haven't spoken to him in 5 years, but he texts me every time he gets laid. Honestly. He calls himself the Pussyman, yet i've only received about 8 texts in 5 years. If you call yourself Pussyman, you'd best be living in pussy, my friend.)

3. (2/4 at 11:46am) From: Nate

"The Portuguese word for turkey is peru, also slang used for the male genitalia, as in 'how's your little peru doing?'"

2. (1/13 at 2:58pm) From: Richie

"Hey guys, 'Dunston Checks In' is about to start on Showtime! You down to order up a couple pizza pies and watch it at my pad?" (1st reference to 'Dunston Checks In' I've ever heard, by the way)

1. (1/1 at 8:24am) From: Gza, aka G-Money

"Woke up at some random chick's place after getting no ass...decided to walk home, little did I know it was raining..an hour later, I made it home. The next 364 will hopefully be a lot better."

Some incredible shit right there, and I had to sift through 477 texts to find these gems. I'm considering saving all of the texts for the year and posting a top 10 next January. On another front, I got the 'Motorin' sing-along going again this morning. I was feeling a little down because of the massive amounts of rain and thought it would help...it sure did. It's especially awesome when one of the executives walks by my cube, mid-song, and says "Wow, Night Ranger? Incredible." I also got yelled at this morning for not knowing that Germany doesn't use the mark as currency anymore...I have got to travel more.

Ok, time to go..."Love Hurts" is playing and I have to walk by customer service. This is the point in the day where they all reminisce about that last time they got any ass...which subsequently was in 1974. Yes, love hurts, but so does celibacy, no?

Have a special weekend.