I got to thinking about what we're all, as men, truly striving for at any given age and I believe that the answer is this: if we could all live our lives at the consequence of that of a three-year-old boy, we could be one with happiness and satisfaction and we'd get whatever it is that we want, at all times. Here are some reasons why.
1. Three-year olds can eat whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want, and in whatever quantity they want...with basically zero consequence health-wise. I've recently turned over a new leaf concerning my eating habits because I feel I should start taking care of myself somehow, but believe me, I'd much prefer to be eating the following three meals a day:
Breakfast - two sausage, egg and cheese McGriddles, one hash brown and a huge orange juice.
Lunch - a large roast beef sandwich with cheese, bbq sauce and mayo, one large fries and a coke.
Dinner - a 20 oz. Porterhouse, garlic-mashed, jalapeno-cheese potatoes, bread, butter and a pile of goat cheese mixed in there, two bottles of Pinot Noir and some gourmet carrot cake for dessert.
My current habits fall devastatingly short of this because I'd look like the old Al Roker (well, a white, old Al Roker) if I did eat like that. A three year-old can run around all day, never truly hurt himself with his soft, forming bones and eat a steady diet of cookies and ice cream and still be trim and tuck. Point: three year-old.
2. I have a three year old nephew as I've mentioned before and I'm pretty sure he's in love with my girlfriend. Just this past weekend, he told her she looked 'kind of beautiful' and pretty much brought her to tears. Point is, that kid can say ANYTHING to her and it's the sweetest thing in the free world. If I said that to her, it would be curtains. "What? Kind of beautiful? What the fuck does that mean, you asshole? Get the fuck out of here." Well, maybe not that harsh...but something like that. Not to mention, if he asks her for something, or asks anyone for that matter, he's going to get it. I've been tricked many times with his questions. Further, if I even whisper the word 'ice cream', it's then up to me to get it for him, no matter what the circumstance. If we were in the Mojave Desert in the midst of an 100-mile trek on camel back, I could say "Man, could I go for an ice cream right now" at the 49th-mile mark and I'd have to go back to get it for him. He's totally in charge at all times. But, I am aware of the ice cream thing, so it's my own fault when it happens. Point: three-year old
3. Three year-old boys have free reign over the female body when they're sitting with one. Enough said. Point: three year-old, and one.
4. Fashion is never an issue for a three year-old. You'd think that they don't have much of a say in what they wear, but I have seen the result of my nephew Aaron's clothing preferences...when he wants to wear brown and only brown, you can bet your ass he's showing up looking like a Snicker's bar. If he wants to wear red pants, red pants it is. I'd love to wear red pants every day, but I'd be lynched. Imagine if we were all allowed to wear sweatpants and sweatshirts all the time? I think it would solve half of the world's crime problems if this were allowed. Point: three year-old.
5. This one has got to be the kicker: birthdays and Christmas/winter holiday absolutely are beyond compare. Yes, there's always the fair share of clothing and practical gifts to sort through, but you can always count on the cool aunts and uncles and friends of your folks to hook you up SILLY with toys and fun shit. Since I'm basing all of this on Aaron, I witnessed it all this past Christmas...his desire was for all things associated with the movie Cars and all things associated with trucks. He could have opened a store selling Cars merchandise and still not have sold out by now, March, without re-upping his inventory. Crazy. I can only imagine if I asked for all things to do with the Sox and I actually got what I asked for. Man, imagine all the tickets, jerseys, caps, DVD's...again, Point: three year-old.
1. Three-year olds can eat whatever the fuck they want, whenever they want, and in whatever quantity they want...with basically zero consequence health-wise. I've recently turned over a new leaf concerning my eating habits because I feel I should start taking care of myself somehow, but believe me, I'd much prefer to be eating the following three meals a day:
Breakfast - two sausage, egg and cheese McGriddles, one hash brown and a huge orange juice.
Lunch - a large roast beef sandwich with cheese, bbq sauce and mayo, one large fries and a coke.
Dinner - a 20 oz. Porterhouse, garlic-mashed, jalapeno-cheese potatoes, bread, butter and a pile of goat cheese mixed in there, two bottles of Pinot Noir and some gourmet carrot cake for dessert.
My current habits fall devastatingly short of this because I'd look like the old Al Roker (well, a white, old Al Roker) if I did eat like that. A three year-old can run around all day, never truly hurt himself with his soft, forming bones and eat a steady diet of cookies and ice cream and still be trim and tuck. Point: three year-old.
2. I have a three year old nephew as I've mentioned before and I'm pretty sure he's in love with my girlfriend. Just this past weekend, he told her she looked 'kind of beautiful' and pretty much brought her to tears. Point is, that kid can say ANYTHING to her and it's the sweetest thing in the free world. If I said that to her, it would be curtains. "What? Kind of beautiful? What the fuck does that mean, you asshole? Get the fuck out of here." Well, maybe not that harsh...but something like that. Not to mention, if he asks her for something, or asks anyone for that matter, he's going to get it. I've been tricked many times with his questions. Further, if I even whisper the word 'ice cream', it's then up to me to get it for him, no matter what the circumstance. If we were in the Mojave Desert in the midst of an 100-mile trek on camel back, I could say "Man, could I go for an ice cream right now" at the 49th-mile mark and I'd have to go back to get it for him. He's totally in charge at all times. But, I am aware of the ice cream thing, so it's my own fault when it happens. Point: three-year old
3. Three year-old boys have free reign over the female body when they're sitting with one. Enough said. Point: three year-old, and one.
4. Fashion is never an issue for a three year-old. You'd think that they don't have much of a say in what they wear, but I have seen the result of my nephew Aaron's clothing preferences...when he wants to wear brown and only brown, you can bet your ass he's showing up looking like a Snicker's bar. If he wants to wear red pants, red pants it is. I'd love to wear red pants every day, but I'd be lynched. Imagine if we were all allowed to wear sweatpants and sweatshirts all the time? I think it would solve half of the world's crime problems if this were allowed. Point: three year-old.
5. This one has got to be the kicker: birthdays and Christmas/winter holiday absolutely are beyond compare. Yes, there's always the fair share of clothing and practical gifts to sort through, but you can always count on the cool aunts and uncles and friends of your folks to hook you up SILLY with toys and fun shit. Since I'm basing all of this on Aaron, I witnessed it all this past Christmas...his desire was for all things associated with the movie Cars and all things associated with trucks. He could have opened a store selling Cars merchandise and still not have sold out by now, March, without re-upping his inventory. Crazy. I can only imagine if I asked for all things to do with the Sox and I actually got what I asked for. Man, imagine all the tickets, jerseys, caps, DVD's...again, Point: three year-old.
8 comments:
I agree completely. Two things I would like to add:
1: No school or work yet
2: Can swim in naked anytime, anywhere, anyhow. In fact, can run around outside naked, too.
Fuckin' kids.
Excellent points, and you should be able to appreciate this far more than anyone I know...for one, you have a young son and two, your wife's grip on your balls is air tight.
I forgot about naps, too. Although at 3 they tend to outgrow them.
The key is making her think she has an air tight grip. Perception is reality, my friend.
Besides, they're so small it isn't possible.
BB-You know you don't need to insult yourself. I'm happy to do it for you.
-LC
It's not the size of the grapes, man. It's all about the banana.
more additions:
3 year olds get the sickest kicks on the market for $30 or less
the kids menu need I say more.... you can get it all dinner and disert for like 7 bucks! I still try to get in on that
you always get who ever sees you to bend over and play with you..... umm yeaa
-little ponchick
Of course I realize that, LC, but I know you're swamped this week and figured I would save you some time.
What are small balled friends for?
Ev,
Good to see your big head making an appearance on the blog. Nice work on the additions, because the kid's menu thing is hyooooooge.
Let me know if you're coming to visit NU...I'll take you places you've only dreamed of in terms of roast beef.
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