Sweet Revenge

I got to thinking about revenge this morning, on account of two incidents that were reported to me over the last 12 hours. I tell you, people do some pretty weird shit when they're pissed off and have the opportunity to fuck up someone's shit.

From a poker game conversation last night, there was a story told about a buddy of mine who had this roommate in college that dipped a lot; or chewed, whatever. Anyway, apparently the roommate got into the habit of leaving his spitters (spitter: any empty container used for disposing of gathered spittle from chewing tobacco or dip) on my buddy's night table. After several failed attempts at trying to get his roommate to stop leaving his spitters on his night table, he decided that best course of action would be to dispose of his phlegmy, clammy lungies in this dude's tins of dip. Surely, when the dude went to pack the tin, the loogie would be absorbed into the tobacco and eventually consumed. Gross, yes. But a great act of revenge.

Another incident was reported just a few hours ago and to save any implications of which friend this might be, it wasn't Carl. You're welcome. Anyway, this is a story about a guy who lives a in fucking fantasy world to begin with. Somehow, he lives consequence free in a pretty risky environment that he creates for himself. I love it though, because there's never any shortage of stories and mishaps that result from his debauchery. Let me go back a week or so here...he had set up some sort of date with a girl that he had seen before, I think went on one date with...and they had set up another meeting in which she was to meet him at his place and they would go from there. She subsequently arrived in a trench coat and heels and NOTHING ELSE. No, they didn't make it to dinner nor anywhere else that night. From the recount of the story, there ensued a night of unadulterated fornication and pretty much nothing else. Moving on, my buddy got up very early the next day to skip town on holiday and left his prey asleep in his bed. First off, this was a risky move in my opinion...you just never know with someone you have only had a few dates with, even if you may or may not work with her. So he goes on this trip and arrives home a week later and opens his apartment to what he described as the smell of "stinky sex". After settling in a bit, he goes to take a piss in his bathroom and finds a week-old shit sitting there...unflushed. A few moments later, he found a single woman's shoe at the foot of his bed that had not been there when he left town (as the story goes, the girl found this lone shoe and inferred a prior female visitor...therefore setting her off). Do the math. I guess it's ok to leave a heap of excrement in someone's toilet if you're pissed at them.

Hang on...before I go on, I have to comment on one thing...my buddy refers to the smell in his apartment as one of "stinky sex". Now, I'm not going to infer too much here, but I'm not accustomed to my room smelling like human excrement following intercourse. And again, ALL INFERENCE ASIDE, but I would have to assume that perhaps something different played out in his apartment that morning...something out of her control. I'll explain...

I believe there to be some sort of medical phenomenon where one could experience uncontrollable defecation following a bout of anal intercourse...that is, if the person had something brewing when he/she engaged in the act in the first place. It could be that my pal's partner experienced this anal exodus as a result of their night of fun, but in a panic, she fled the scene without realizing that the toilet didn't flush because of the mass of toilet paper she left in the bowl. Maybe she never knew that it was a floater.

Well, I'm getting nauseous from writing about this so I'm putting down the electronic pen for now. Anyone else have any drawn conclusions that might offer a better explanation as to why a young lass might leave such an unholy gift in the latrine of a lover?

I'd also like to hear some good stories of revenge if you have them. I can see a future top 10 Acts of Revenge list being spawned from this.

Here's to hoping your day is filled with empty toilets and good-smelling apartments.