16 January 2008

Gilbert for President

When I've seen the err in my ways (blogs), I've tried to make amends and thus, I am going to attempt this again.

A-hem...let me clear my throat, first...ok.

I would like to present a formal apology to my dear friend JG/Gilbert/Johnny Boy, whom I wrongfully accused of leaving a senseless, brainless, dickless comment on the post "Mirepoix". I believe I went as far as to offer that he hang himself, which may or may not have been over the line for just about anyone. John, please avoid the gallows going forward. I see no reason why you should cease to exist.

You see folks, John is cut from a cloth of genuine, fine fabric that is rich in moral fiber...abundant in ethical material. Only those without a pair of testicles might leave a belittling, anonymous comment on a blog (aside from family members/close friends who have good reason). I assure you, Mr. Gilbert possesses a healthy pair of nuts. Go ahead, make fun. I only know this because he has spawned two (and counting) healthy children, with help from Nina of course. Also, the locker room at Winter, Wyman and Companies is a tight squeeze. This also happens to be the reason why I know that there are a few ethnic individuals over at 950 Winter that are simply horrible at hygiene. Perhaps ESL courses can start to include a piece on hygiene, or how to effectively wash oneself. Look, I don't care that other cultures are unique and have grossly different views/ways of life/beliefs/what have you. I'm open-minded, liberal, etc. I just don't tolerate stink in terms of humans. Unless you're just not financially able to wash, you have no excuse. Get in the shower or bath and scrub. WITH SOAP.

Alright, Johnny. Is that enough? Have I undone this indignification of yore? You're my idol, ok? I strive to be like you.

One person I do not strive to be like: Igor Olshansky. I wouldn't be surprised if he left the recent anonymous comment on the blog, because this man does not have a brain. He'll get his on Sunday. All I'm sayin.

My new love is the handicap bathroom at 75 State St, 9th floor. Nevermind the high seat, the obstacle-free TP holders or the fact that there's always reading material in there (you can always find TMQ in there on a Tuesday morning...simply a great piece of toilet reading since it's always loquacious and inane). There's a machine in there that dispenses a) napkins, and b) tampons. Figure that one out. I figure that this caters to two sets: the bathroom eater, whom I've discussed before; and distressed girl that totally spazzed on coming to work with a fully-stocked purse. That reminds me, purse? Is that ok? What about pocketbook?

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

We can make bumberstickers! Gilbert-Benwah 2008. I'm feeling a little crazy after getting sunburned down in the Bahamas. Wow, that was a great free trip from WWC. Too bad you couldn't be with us bro- I almost thought about you while I was there but the alcohol, co-workers in bikinis and black jack winnings got in my way. This last post made me all teary eyed and choked up until I realized that you are a disingenious prick, However, I accept your apology.

President Gilbert

nina beana said...

bumberstickers? i hope that's a private joke.

also, the bikinis were overrated. trust me.

the trip would've been way cooler if you were there.

Charles said...

Not a private joke...in fact, I was a little afraid of the term when I read it. I don't want any part of said bumberstickers.

So Atlantis...was it paradise? Were the beers $100 apiece?

BeachBum said...

I suppose I should apologize, too, since I piled on. However, I would like to point out that I still second the gallows remark to whoever did leave that comment.

Anonymous said...

I think those "napkins" are of the sanitary variety...not the kind you'd want to use after lunch.

Anonymous said...

You are basically turning into George Costanza, as Elaine did in one episode. One thing I left out of my last comment, Jerry saying "you're so good looking" after people sneeze. Stay out of the Seinfeld realm. Let me know when you are ready to put this silly blog aside and start working on my script.

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