It has been brought to my attention that one of my scant few readers would like to know how to stop biting his fingernails. I've decided that he's got a great suggestion and that I should indeed dedicate a blog to it. If I'm going to keep any sort of regularity with this thing, suggestions are definitely welcome in the comment section. Also, feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up at any point in time.
How To Stop Biting Your Nails in 10 Days
Day One
Before you leave the house in the morning, halve one jalapeno pepper. Proceed to dig out the seeds with your fingers, ensuring that each of your fingers touches seed. Take heed when urinating or touching any part of your body, for that matter...for the rest of the day. I can assure you that the first time you raise a fingernail to that stinky gullet you call a mouth, you're going to regret it. This should be something you will need to repeat over the course of the ten day period because while it's effective, it does need to be repeated in order to sustain effectiveness.
Day Two
Get yourself out there and find a nice girl who cares enough about your hygiene to slap your hands or yell at you each time she catches you nibbling on your fingers like some sore of rodent. If she's good at this, she'll make you feel downright abhorrent about your little habit, and eventually you'll feel so shitty about yourself when you're doing that you'll be more likely to not do it. Now, if you're lucky enough to find a young lady that is so good at this that merely a glance in your direction is enough to get you to stop the bullshit, be thankful. I've been lucky enough, but unfortunately my self-control in the nail-biting department is ever-wavering. But my fingers used to resemble bloody stumps and now they're at least respectable. I just need to quit gnawing on my thumbs.
Day Three
You should start to notice some progress in the length of your nails by now. This is a defining time of the process because habitual nail biters look at nail growth as a dynamite opportunity to bite those guys off and chew the shit out of them. AVOID THIS AT ALL COST. Go dig out a jalapeno if you have to, but don't bite. I know, you really want to chew that shit but you must not. Show some willpower, already.
Day Four
I'm confident that if you can get to day four without much of a setback, you're in the clear...for now. You'll have some good growth, maybe even enough to leave the house and shake a hand or two without being totally embarrassed. You may even experience a little bit of pride and satisfaction because you have actually withstood the test of time and grown fingernails. Be proud, bro. It's an achievement.
Day Five
Ok, enough with the fingernail saga. If it takes you ten fucking days to grow nails, you should probably just give up because you're a giant failure and always will be. Get on with your life and always remember what a jackass you look like when you're sitting there nibbling on your fingers like you used to.
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3 comments:
Comme sa mere, comme son fils! She only quits when her fingers are, as you said, bloody stumps! If I say anything, I get the "hairy eyeball", so, knowing which side my bread is buttered on, I say nothing!!
RE: Blog entries; you might enlighten us as to how you enjoyed the C's after the game tomorrow night. Should be a good one, vs. the Pistons with Cassel on board.
Yipes!!!
I just read my previous post and realized that I spelled his name wrong! Sorry, Sam, it should have been C-A-S-S-E-L-L!
I'm so flattered. Guess I will go out and pick up some jalepenos. And yea, the thumbs are the hardest. By the sneed, Im going to Mavericks at Warriors on March 30th. Hi hi hi. Also, I'm not a scant reader, I check everyday. I hope to one day finish my last half-written blog I have been working on for 2 months. Maybe after my 12 final exams.
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