I just had a revelation in the bathroom: I spend a good portion of my day talking to inanimate objects. I'm trying to figure out why this is and for the most part, I see it as a reactionary thing. If I find that some object that I'm using is working ineffectively, I then decide that it might very well have the faculties to be making the decision not to work, simply to make my life more difficult.
Lately, the toilet paper dispenser in the men's room at work has given me fits. It's one of those contraptions where you have to push the new roll upward for it to come down the slides and become loose on the tracks. I sit there probably 50% of the time, fiddling with this devil machine, begging it to just let me have access to some toilet paper. What drives me insane is when it's just too tight to release the roll, thus I sit there and tear off piece after piece of paper, until I have a stack of 50-60 2-ply sheets in my hand. Don't even get me started on why this method just doesn't work, but the fact that I have to sit there and pull off each incessant piece makes me angry. Then I start to talk. "Why can't you just let me have some fucking paper? You little bitch. All I want is for you to cooperate. Why can't you? Why?" It gets worse. I'll ask the metal dispenser what its problem is, what I've ever done to it, why it must be this way. And when I've finally finished up, I thank the damn thing as I walk by, in a totally sardonic tone. I wonder if it gets my tone, though. Probably not.
My cell phone is another one that I like to talk to. I'll tell it things like, it's only job is to give me reception so I can make calls and send messages to people. "You only have ONE FUCKING PURPOSE", I'll tell it. Doesn't help. I'll express my distaste by promising that I'll never buy another one of its kind, as if I'm somehow hurting its feelings. Chances are, I'm not. Our most frequent conversation happens when the phone beeps and shows 'low battery'. At that point, I might actually hold the phone in front of my face and utter a very tight-lipped "you suck". Does anyone else do the 'fake throw' of the cell phone? You know, wind up like you're about to hurl a football several yards and then just stop the motion?
I don't talk my kitchen utensils all that much when I'm cooking, but on a recent trip to California I was using some particularly sharp knives during food preparation. I cut myself three separate times in one night, all on the same knife. I was cursing this knife for being too sharp, which makes absolutely no sense at all. If that knife had any balls whatsoever, it would have snapped back at me with something like, "how about you stop being such a clumsy fool, you bozo...after all, I AM A KNIFE. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SHARP." Alas, it said nothing and just continued to take off layer after layer of skin. What's funny about this one is that I promised the knife after each incision that it would be my last use of it...but I kept going back to it...allowing it to cut me up. Without question, the knife won this battle. If I'm ever back in that same kitchen with that same knife, I'll probably talk to it before usage. "Look, you and me...we've had our differences. But I don't want any trouble this time. I want your help cutting an onion and some cheese. That's it. We cool?" Maybe a different approach will wield more positive outcomes.
I can be positive with some of the objects that I use everyday. There are a few ties that I wear that, for some reason or another, always give me the perfect knot. I'll ask those ties on occasion why they're so good to me. I have this one pen that I use that never runs out of ink, for any reason. I don't even have to say anything to that pen, because it knows how I feel about it. Sometimes you can say a lot by not saying anything at all, that's how it is between me and that pen.
Maybe talking to inanimate objects can be viewed as unhealthy, or just weird. But the imaginary therapist that I've been seeing doesn't think it's weird at all. She said it's totally normal and it shows that I have a very active imagination. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have a talk with my zipper about why it keeps getting stuck in the fabric of my pants.
5 comments:
Yes, this is the type of post I love from you. After being a roommate of yours, I can picture you perfectly well talking to all of these objects. I remember you doing it and I do it as well. The cell phone is a big one. I may tell it that it f'ing sucks or simply say "awful" when it starts the low battery beep. I think my move is usually to look skyward and say "why" or "are you f'ing kidding me" as if I am cursed by the heavens above. This may be atributed to my religious beliefs. Easy gee.
Ponch beat me to the "are you kidding me" quote. I probably say that upwards of 20 times a day.
I'd rather not get into how much I talk to my Playstation when I'm playing Madden, especially when Maurice Jones-Drew takes back TWO kickoff returns for TD's against me in the playoffs.
Regarding the "low battery" beep, that used to be my biggest complaint with my cell. Yeah, I also made the childish display of pretending to throw the abominable thing against the nearest brick wall. Then, I got a new phone and, no kidding, my battery never gets below two bars!! I finally got smart and got rid of the Motorola phone. Those things really do SUCK! Their batteries must be made of some quick-dying material. My last two phones have been LG phones, and I have not had a problem with the batteries going dead on me (unless I forget to charge it when it gets down to two bars). So, mes amis, my advice to you is to exchange your phones, especially if they are Motorola, for a reliable LG phone. You won't regret it. Maybe you might even stop talking to inanimate objects!
Aah son pere, so knowledgeable. Chad and I both sport Motorolas as far as I know. The razr is a total POS but so slim in the pocket. Better than being short in the pants I suppose.
Is this a support group for people who have problems communicating with electronic devices? If so, I am in...
I have found myself talking alot to my laptop in the recent months...I wisper to it in class when it slowly brings up a document I need or when the battery light starts blinking...Some of my favorite threats are "I am going to pick you up and hurl you to thr front of the room" or the "I am going to take you apart peice by peice" as if that is going to cause it more pain...
As much as Jum drops the "are you kidding me?" I use the "Really?!" in a real negative tone as if to be asking said laptop are you really doing this to me...and then I usually follow it up with a "F-ing Douche"...
Its a wonder that I have not been asked to move, as I am sure people see me talking to my computer, in a sometimes very violent tone...or Maybe they are on my side, I know I would have anyone's back if shit started to get interesting with a cell phone, computer, or what-have-you...You wanna dance we can Dance!
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