...run? Or perhaps just not go at all.
Ahh, yes. The morning run. Today marked the re-inauguration of me taking a nice morning jog. Or, as I like to call it, 30 minutes of my life where I really, truly wish I was dead.
I got up at 5:35 this morning, laced up the old tennis shoes and threw on my (well, not mine...actually it was La's pink iPod...shockingly emasculating**) headphones and took to the streets of Boston's Back Bay. One song into the run, I was gasping for air and, as I mentioned before, wishing I was dead. Let me run through the reasons why this common ritual among the active lifestylers makes me feel as such.
1. The effect on my insides.
For some reason, every time in my life (approximately 30 times) that I have gone for a run, my stomach takes revenge on me; for what, I have no idea. But I always find myself struggling to keep my bowels in check for the duration of the run. There is an upside to this, because it takes my mind off of the other things that add to my despair.
2. The burning in my lungs.
I have asthma. I cannot run in the cold weather because it's too much for my lungs to handle. Even running in the warm humidity of a June morning is a task. But somewhere inside, I just know that I'm bettering the overall state of my breathers. I coughed up a lot of shit this morning...hopefully that will subside before too long.
3. Overheating.
I sweat like a whore in church when I run, and my face turns the shade of a beet. I sweat through my cool-off stretches, through my cold-to-warm-to-cold shower and right on into breakfast. My sweat finally ceased right around play #3 of the Top 10 SportsCenter highlights from yesterday. I enjoy sweating, but that's too much. I was, however, 3.5 pounds lighter after my run than I was last night before bed.
4. The Other Runners.
No matter how brisk my pace, I'm always seeing these other runners gliding on by, leaving me in the dust. This is no good for me, because I get competitive and try to match their paces. I then get burned out quickly and have to slow to a snail's pace for a few minutes, thus leaving me discouraged and demotivated. This is where the iPod has to bring me back up...perhaps a little AC/DC or Rage Against the Machine, as was the case this morning.
But with the bad comes the good. I feel extremely energized today and my legs are the good kind of sore. I've been to the bathroom a hundred and sixty-two times already, but I can deal with the bowel movements. I'm also peeing an inordinate amount because I'm trying to drink tons of water to keep well hydrated. Tomorrow will be another interesting morning as I try my hand in the weight room. I haven't been privy to that kind of scene since Sophomore year of college, 1998. Yikes.
** - to clarify this, La has a pink i Pod because it was purchased for her by an ex...who, as it turns out, might be gay himself. She hates it and never felt comfortable using it from the start; hence, she also has a silver one and black one. I use it because I don't have my own iPod and the silver one that she has and doesn't use anymore is on its last legs. Thus, I suffer through life with a pink iPod.
You can contribute to the 'French's New iPod' fund here: www.frenchipodthatsnotpink.com
Thanks a lot, people. Your kindness will not go overlooked. God bless.
6 comments:
I'm having trouble getting my mind around the 'I sweat like a whore in church' line.
Gotta eat. Maybe then understanding will arrive.
Ah, what a horrible world we live in when the Ipod we take jogging with us is not a manly color. Im sure the starving kids in Africa are feeling for you after reading your post. As for the health issues, you may want to contact Dr. Shvertz. You quit smoking right? Maybe you should try head butting the other joggers in the chest as they run by, ah la your countrymen on the soccer team. To far? No good? Run girl........
headbutt or no headbutt, zidane is a legend. i've found that just running is miserable. i need to chase something. tennis has proven to be a fantastic option, though my inability can cause frustration.
Don't talk about Zidane or soccer, Ponchick. Henry is the only name you need to know. As for Dr. Shvertz, I hear he's looking to hire an illegitemate chiropractor in a few years. You might want to look into that.
I love tennis. I have a wicked first serve, but other than that, my game is severely lacking.
I knew that Zidane comment would ruffle a few feathers. I don't know who Henry is. I am also available for private tennis lessons at a reasonable hourly rate. I think we should head out to North Dakota to play in their pick up league and show them how we ball back east, or at least I could. Or we should try to play if people make the trip to Boston.
You don't want to come to North Dakota to play basketball. In fact, I can't think of a single reason to come to N.D. at all, besides maybe raising a family. That's probably more of a long-term thing, though.
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