Birdbrains

A lot of things in this world do not make sense to me, and I'm ok with that. I don't claim to be all too intelligent, but I think I have superior knowledge in a select few areas. I realize that knowledge of athletes' jersey numbers may not get me into MENSA, but it's something. Three current topics in pop culture and sports have me wondering what sense or intelligence could have been used by some of the parties involved, and thus, I am naming my top three birdbrains of the day.

1. Celtics' Brass

I don't get it. A week ago I was sitting here writing about what potential number KG might be wearing when he takes to the Garden Parquet for the first time. Now I'm wondering how good the Lakers might be with KG and Kobe playing together while the C's throw Pierce and Jermaine O'Neal out there and hope for the best. Hey Danny, I thought you hated JO? Isn't he a thug in your opinion? A little lazy even? I have always liked JO, even in those hard-fought playoff series with Indy back in the Reggie Miller days. I wouldn't mind seeing him in Celtic green, but how in all hell can you justify giving up Al Jefferson who, at 22, has already established himself as one of the premier power forwards in the league? O'Neal averaged 19.4PPG, 9.6REB, 3 turnovers and shot 43% per game last season. He's going to be 29 in October. Al averaged 16.0PPG, 11.0REB, less than 2 turnovers and shot 51% per game last season. Even if this was a straight up deal, Al for JO, I still want Al. But did I mention that the other chip involved will send the #5 pick to Minnesota along with Al Jefferson? (this is all part of that 4-team trade involving Boston, LA, Minnesota and Indiana) I've been a little salty with a lot of the moves made by Danny Ainge at the helm, but this one is beyond any logical reasoning. It's a birdbrain move and nothing more. I wish we had Kevin McHale running things. He's going to end up with Al, 3 picks in this year's first round of the draft and 20 million dollars in cap room next season, if this deal goes through. The C's end up with Jermaine O'Neal, and a shitload of guards and absolutely no chance of coming close to anything higher than a 6 seed in the playoffs. If fans haven't given up yet, this might just be the last straw. I think my boss said it best this morning when I asked him his opinion of this pending trade: "Is this gonna screw up my bobblehead collection?"

2. Any fan of Paris Hilton that came out to cheer her release last night

I would have thought that Paris Hilton had just been released from a hostage situation when I saw her release from prison last night. There were people lined up to cheer this event, screaming her name and telling her how much she's loved. Aside from all the things that are wrong with this girl and her meaningless life, what kind of reflection is this on our society? Sure, the vast majority of Americans probably detest even hearing her name, much less the sight of her face. But it's completely off-putting that anyone could rationally decide to go and cheer her on as she waltzed out of prison in white high heels and what were reported to me designer jeans. This is a girl who gets paid a lot of money to film a television show in which she has to live the life of a common person; a non-celebrity who works for a living. It's sickening, infuriating, nauseating, what have you. I guess the producers and creators are more to blame than she is, but still. She is the face of the show and her reprehensible actions on the set are enough to stir up homicidal thoughts, aren't they? No, I don't plan to kill Paris Hilton. I do, however, have a suggestion for her next show. They should stick her in the Middle East...maybe Afghanistan, circa 2001 and under the rule of the Taliban. I'd watch that.

3. Terry Francona

I'm not quite there yet, but I don't know who else to blame. Tito sets the lineup and that lineup continues to show the name LUGO in it. I'll give him a pass until the halfway mark of the season, which is in a week or so. After the All-Star break, no more sympathy. I didn't have very high expectations for Lugo coming into the season. I thought he'd hit somewhere around .250, have 15 home runs or so and knock in 60. I thought he could steal some bases, draw a bunch of walks and just be on base for our power hitters. Alas, here we are in late June and the guy is hitting .190 with the lowest OBP in baseball. He now hits in the 9-hole, and only because he has to hit. His defense is nothing special to say the least and it's gotten to the point where I actually wanted Beckett to hit instead of Lugo in a recent game. I like to think that I give players a chance, especially when they're from these small market teams and have to get used to playing here. But enough is enough. How many shortstops do we have to cycle through, year in and year out, that come from small market teams where no one gives a shit about baseball? It doesn't work, Theo. I don't doubt for a second that Lugo will be somewhere insignificant next season, batting around .300 and getting on base 40-45% of the time. But right now, that's not even close to happening and it never will this season. Again, I'm not blaming Tito now, but I don't want to see Lugo in an everyday role after the All-Star break. Cora should be there, without question. At the very, very least, Cora can get the little things done on offense. He can bunt, he can place his hits and he's very smart. Reduce Lugo to a utility man that can fill when Pedroia or Cora need a rest. He's hurting the team and it's pissing me off.

(mental catharsis complete)

Here's a suggestion for all of your believers in the self-formed burger patty. I don't subscribe to the store bought patty school of thought. They're way too thin and by the time they're grilled, they carry the consistency of a hunk of jerky. I suggest the following when/if you decide to go the way of the hand-formed patty.

Take your meat, preferably 1-2 lbs of ground turkey meat, and put in into a large bowl. Add 3/4 cup of parmesan cheese, 4 tbsp. of mustard, lots of black pepper, about 2 tbsp of Montreal seasoning, 1/2 cup of minced onions and 3/4 cup of bread crumbs. Mush this all together with your bare fists, making damn sure all those ingredients get mixed in evenly. Form into 1/2-1" think patties, about 3" in diameter. Salt patties sparingly. Grill them uncovered for 5-7 minutes a side and then you will have the tastiest damn burger you've ever laid tongue to. You won't even need condiments, but Carl will attest to putting a few banana peppers on top of your burger before eating. Go ahead, try it. You've got the 4th coming up, which is notorious for large cookouts. Impress your friends and family.