Lesser Known Oxymorons, Vol. One.

The Uneducated-sounding Sommelier

I was at Kappy's Liquors with La yesterday, looking for a few bottles of wine to take home with us. After finding a few that were looking for in particular, we decided to ask the resident Sommelier if he had Freeman or Layer Cake wines on hand. It was the biggest mistake of our weekend.

You talk about hacks...this guy was one of the biggest fucking hacks I have ever come into contact with. He looked like a cross between Elmer Fudd and Alfred E. Newman, he sounded like Colin Quinn, but after having smoked for 80 years and he quickly vaulted himself into my top 5 all-time Most Annoying People of all time. Believe me, he's in some piss-poor company here, too (to be detailed later).

My stereotype of a Sommelier is someone who comes off a bit stuffy, maybe a bit pretentious...and this is fine with me. Anyone who dedicates his life to one kind of booze kind of reserves the right to be a dick about it, in my opinion. And while it seemed like this dude might have a pretty widespread knowledge of wines, he came off sounding like he was talking about baseball cards. First off, he hadn't heard of either of the two wines mentioned above and one of them is pretty fucking common around here. Second, he used words like 'cool' and 'stuff' to describe some different kinds of wine.

"Now, you'd expect a nice Shiraz to have that nice, full berry aftertaste, which is cool, and it should be sort of tart and stuff."

Yeah, well said captain. I think I heard my 3 year-old nephew articulate how his cookie tasted in a more intelligible way than this. Add in the Jersey accent that he carried and the stuffy nose, and it's just all over. There wasn't a single thing that this guy was going to say that either La or myself would believe. I also wouldn't expect a Sommelier to be desperately trying to keep a customer in front of him, seemingly just to talk. But this guy just kept bringing up new topics so we wouldn't walk away from him. Granted, La kind of sidled off at one point and sort disappeared until the conversation was over, but I would have done the same thing in a heartbeat if he had stopped talking for ONE SECOND. He did eventually give me the opportunity to cut him off and end the conversation and I did, but he handed me his card and basically implored us to return after we had researched the wines we were looking for. I thought to myself, isn't that your job?

OTHER WEEKEND NOTES:

As promised, G-money lived up to his billing in the Dunk Contest...flying high above the shortcomings of Nate Robinson and his meager repertoire of dunks. I'm sorry, but when a guy uses up the entire 2:00 and has to rely on his final attempt to complete a not-so-impossible dunk, he doesn't deserve to win. I did gain a new respect for him, though. I thought it was a really nice gesture that he volunteered to be in one of G-Money's dunks as opposed to his cardboard cut-out that Gerald had originally planned on using. And Nate's facial expression as G-Money soared over his head on his way to victory was priceless. But it reminds us that this game is fun and the festivities of All-Star Weekend are fun. I'm pretty sure PP had the most fun of anyone there, as he appeared to be having a grand old time in support of his protégé. But I honestly had chills when Gerald peeled off his #5 jersey to reveal the #7 jersey of Dee Brown. That was awesomely creative and nostalgically fun and again, what it's all about.

I've got to give another plug to Nick's Roast Beef of Beverly, MA. Gilbert, I think our idea to write a book detailing the greatest roast beef joints on the east coast is more important than ever now. I find a large three-way from Nick's can cure just about any depression you might fall into. La had her first this weekend and like so many before her, she's now a believer in the beef. If you've never been, go. If you haven't been in a while, go. If I know you and you're going there soon, let me know and I'll buy you your first junior three-way if you're a first-timer. Just get there. You WILL NOT be disappointed...as Ponch knows, we're pretty serious about our beef up here.

Hmm...what else...I think that might be it. Oh, blondes look better in yellow.

4-day week, Y'all.

Get some.