Researching "...For Dummies" Books For Dummies

I'll admit that I own a copy of "Personal Finance For Dummies". At one point in my life, I came to the realization that I was about as responsible with money as Magic Johnson was with his penis. I'm still trying to figure out what it means that I never actually read the book after purchasing it...that's right, bask in the glow of the fucking irony. Mmmm...feels good.

I went to a local Barnes and Noble today with three objectives: buy a map of San Diego, buy some new reading material for my flight to Boston on Sunday and finally, find the most ridiculous Dummies title out there. Not to toot my own (french) horn, but I was wildly successful on all counts. Let me add that these successes were most imperative because I was fresh off a fucking deplorable haircut, courtesy of Liliana at SuperCuts in Marina Del Ray. If you're reading this, Liliana, there's hope for you yet. There's still time to pick up a copy of "Giving Someone A Trim When He Asks For One For Dummies". Take your $20 in tips for the day (I'm being incredibly generous in my estimation here) and go buy it.

In no way am I devaluing these books, because I am fairly certain that myriad individuals have benefited from the likes of these offerings. How am I so certain? Oh, I don't know. Could be the fact that there are such categories as "Happiness" within this line of self-help publications. This tells me that following their initial successes, the publishers of the Dummies books got a little loopy and started to take full advantage of the impressionability of Americans. Side note: right next to "Happiness For Dummies" was "Depression For Dummies". Hooray for product placement! Way to go, guys. Genius.

I spent a good amount of time perusing the Dummies offerings in the self-help section. Two titles in particular struck me. First, Sex For Dummies. I didn't open this one, in fear that I might realize that I've been doing it wrong for the last ten some-odd years. But I'm fairly certain this one included a cartoon-like sketch with arrows and captions like "insert here" and "not so much here". But I wondered if they make such assertions as "sex is reserved for married couples", or "it's not sex if both parties don't reach climax". Well shit, if that's the case I think the lot of us dudes are actually virgins. I may or may not fall into this category...not saying. Sex For Dummies. Are there chapters on ways in which to get your partner in the sack? Do they talk about the wonders of alcohol, or the sweet sounds of Barry White? Do they offer assistance for the occasional awkward locale, like the bathroom at a Howard Johnson's (with a preamble about disinfectants used by the corporation) or the back seat of a Ford Festiva? Wait, does a Festiva have a back seat? (note to self: write "Ford Festivas For Dummies") The final question: who the fuck qualifies him or herself to write such a book? Ahhh, wait. Co-authored by JC himself. Phew.

The second title that drew particular intrigue from me was "Schizophrenia For Dummies". I couldn't figure who they were targeting with this one: those who are living with a schizophrenic or schizophrenics themselves. Look, I know and understand that this is a real and serious condition but isn't there something horribly fucking wrong with a book for Dummies on such a subject? I'll say this. If this book was meant for schizophrenics themselves, I think there's an inescapable paradox here. Which personality is going to read the book? Oh, fuck me...I think I just figured it out. The aim is for all personalities to read it. Then once they all understand the condition, they can work in harmony to rise as one against it. Well, I am impressed, authors of "Schizophrenia For Dummies". Now, if they could only award Noble Prizes to those who truly deserve it, this would be a truly great world. Truly great.

The religious section contained titles on Christianity, Mormonism, the Bible, Buddhism, Judaism...Zoroastrianism...ok, no. I'd have bought that one if it existed (dear Santa...). Does anyone else see some issues with making a conscious decision to purchase a book on a particular religion that also includes the word "dummies"? How do you simplify the Bible? Which bible are they referring to? Although, I suppose that if JC can co-author the Sex edition, he best have been the top advisor to either or both of the one on Christianity or the Bible. I then started to wonder if religious studies classes might be employing these publications as their text of choice. I'm trying to imagine sitting down at my first Sunday School class and instead of receiving a copy of the Bible, Sister Anne slaps down a bright, yellow copy of "The Bible For Dummies". Maybe then she gets up in front of the class of budding Catholics and says something like "ok class, I'll save you all the knuckle lashings when you laugh about the burning bush by giving you this how-to on the holiest book of all." That's the point where I raise my hand and demand an explanation of how she can refer to the Bible as the "holiest" book of all, only to ask that we read a book for Dummies explaining such a book. Hey man, sometimes knuckle lashings are inevitable.

I encourage all of you to venture into your nearest book dealer and take a look for yourself at all the ways in which a total fucking birdbrain can learn about anything he or she can surmise. Be sure to check the shelves in Summer of 2009 for "Admitting To Steroid Use For Dummies". No, A-Roid was not consulted for advisory on this matter.

Zing.