Very Bad Things

I have a problem. For some reason, my mind is constantly picturing worst-case scenarios depending on the particular situation I'm in. I'm talking about scenarios involving graphically gruesome and painful potential occurrences.

The most common of these instances (many of them are recurring) happens whenever I find myself waiting for a subway train. I imagine that when the train chugs on by wherever I am standing, I will somehow trip and fall forward and my right foot will fall between that tiny gap that is created by the train and the platform. It's big enough for a foot and several inches of leg. The outcome of this happenstance would certainly be a very painful dragging until the trains stops to load at that particular stop...I imagine my legs would break immediately and I would then incur scrapes and burns of the irreparable kind. I have such a vivid vision of this happening that I shiver and cringe each time I think about. I'm pretty sure that's the way I'm gonna go, when I go.

Here's another one that makes absolutely no sense, any way you look at it. I get a lot of grief for my ear cleaning method...I use a paper clip, both a straight end and a looped end, to both itch and dig out my ears. I've been doing it for years and I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it before. Anyway, every time I do it I have this thought that someone is going to run up behind me and attempt to drive the paper clip into deep into my ear, causing a total loss of hearing and a ruptured ear drum. I think that would also be associated with massive amounts of pain and suffering, especially when the paper clip is pulled out of the ear. I would have to imagine, however, that the ear would be super clean once it was pulled back out.

You know how dogs love to stick their heads out of windows? I often imagine myself doing the same thing, only to suffer a fate of having my head lopped off by a street sign that I happen not to see. The same goes for sticking my head out of a sun roof. Perhaps I'd be travelling into a tunnel only to be decapitated before I have time to sit back down. No, I am not accustomed to sticking my head out of windows or sun roofs of cars but I believe that if I did, this would be the outcome.

I happen to be extremely clumsy with knives. I once spent a night in Malibu with some very high quality (thus sharp as fuck) knives and some fresh produce...the result would be three separate deep cuts on my digits and an entire roll of paper towels soaked blood. I completed the dinner, however. Anyway, where I was going with this was that every time I'm using a sharp blade to julienne, chop, chiffonade, what have you, I imagine myself pinning myself up against the wall and slicing my own throat...something akin to Braveheart yet self-inflicted. For some reason, I have a morbid curiosity about that specific pain. The incision itself would suck, but the inability to breathe and the choking on the blood would be so terrible. So, so terrible. Cool as hell, but really fucking terrible.

I think I just wonder how it is that I'm gonna go. How many of the dead actually got to die in a really fucking terrible, gruesome manner? Severed limbs, decapitation, homicidal experimentation? It's a rhetorical question, but think of it this way: if I should die by way of having my body sliced in half (not sure how/why this would happen), everybody wins. Organs donated, open casket option totally cool still and I suffer for a very short amount of time...but hopefully, just hopefully...enough time to make a crack about being independent of my legs and feet.