La Cynique

I have three partial blogs sitting in the pipeline...all very recent but not soon to be published. You see, they just wouldn't make any sense at this point because when I started to write them was when they were pertinent. For instance, I began to write about some folks who have already failed in terms of their New Year's Resolutions...excerpt:

Plaxico Burress failed in his attempt to refrain from saying dumb shit in 2008. Give him credit, though. He lasted until nearly the last day of January. If only the Giants hadn't accidentally won the NFC Championship...he wouldn't have made this list. Sorry, Plax. I don't have a problem with you predicting a Giant victory, but were at the first meeting of the two teams this year? Did you happen to miss the fact that 73 points were scored in that game? 23-17 is a stupid prediction. Boy, I hope I don't eat those words. Go team!

Yeah. I know. I even mentioned hoping that I don't eat the words and here I sit, chewing on my own shit. That was quite a prediction, indeed. I didn't intend on waxing on about XLII, though. It's really not necessary.

My intention when I started this lovely piece of penned ponderings was to indicate my thoughts on an ever increasing inner cynicism that I have found lately. Not a displeasure per se, just a general cynicism towards things that I encounter on a daily basis. For instance, La and I have spoken recently about certain individuals who feel the urge to speak nearly entirely in cliches. The more I think about this one, the more I realize how much of a true pet peeve this is. Have people become so unoriginal that they can't even form their own thoughts and therefore, words? Or is it merely a sign of commercialization? Maybe some people are just stupid and can't truly think for themselves; therefore, cliches are counted on to act as responses more often than original thought. A few of my least favorites:

"Sounds like a plan..."

Circumstantially, a person will utter this cliche when some kind of plan, whether well-formulated or scatterbrained, has been laid out suggestively or matter-of-factly. I have to imagine that in most cases, such a plan is known to be a plan, or known to come off as sounding like a plan. Therefore, why is it necessary to say "sounds like a plan"? It is/was a plan! Hey, jabroni, if it "sounds like a plan", that's probably because it was a plan indeed. But thanks for pointing out the blatantly obvious there, pal.

"That's funny..."

Ok, maybe not a cliche in the way that we all know a cliche to be, but it's become a cliche for "that's not funny at all". I hear people say this all the time, yet they're not laughing. In fact, there's not even a semblance of a smile. If it's clearly not funny to you, why say "that's funny"? If it was funny, wouldn't you be laughing? Yes! You would! Instead, just say "that's not funny at all", or "that's dumb". On the flip side of that, if it's funny, do everyone a favor and let out a chuckle or something. Saying "that's funny" is worse than the fake laugh, because at least the fake laugh takes some sort of effort and it shows that you're at least trying to make someone feel good.

Maybe I'll stop there, because I could go on and on and on, and it's kind of getting on my nerves just simply thinking about it.

I got to thinking about umbrella etiquette this morning, as I trudged through puddles on my 1/2 mile walk to the office. I have to begin by saying that walking any distance in the city of Boston with an umbrella is a fucking futile effort. (my co-worker just said "that's funny" to something not funny at all...French is getting upset) It's so windy in this city...I've already busted two umbrellas, neither of which were mine. Anyway, there are some very different variations on the umbrella hold...I witnessed several of them this morning.

1. The Mary Poppins

Generally resevered for a woman in a poofy sun dress in the middle of summer, as she twirls away in an effort to be fashionable or something. The umbrella will sit on the shoulder with the hood of the umbrella angled upwards, almost giving the face a backdrop. I saw a middle-aged dude doing the Mary Poppins this morning. Awful.

2. The Invisible Man

For some reason, people think that their umbrella makes them invisible when it's covering their field of vision except for what's directly in front of their feet. They don't know what's in front of them, nor do they care. These people are generally a menace to pedestrian traffic and they should be hauled off to an area that faces a firing squad. Watch where you're going, asshole.

3. The Wet Willy

I feel really sorry for this guy, chiefly because I have been this guy several times and it sucks. Badly. This guy's umbrella is about as useful as a mesh cap, yet it's far more ridiculous. You'll see a guy struggling with what would appear to be a piece of synthetic material with a few metal sticks in it...there's no semblance of an umbrella whatsoever. Yet, the Wet Willy carrier shows no signs of giving up. As wet as he is and as frustrating as his umbrella is, he's driven to win. He laughs in the face of the driving wind and rain, at the expense of his once dry socks and pants, and his once crisp and unwrinkled poplin. This same guy can be seen making love to the hand dryer in the bathroom, trying desperately to regain his original form. I am him, he is me.

I'm calling it a day here. I'm off to LA in the AM and I'm not looking back. Bring on the 70° weather.