I usually don't mind waiting for a treadmill or for any given weight contraption to open up on the gym floor because there's never a lack of options to replace the occupied option. But the locker room is a different beast; it's often times a beast that I don't like to tangle with, for an amalgam of reasons. Thus...
1. Close quarters in the locker room are not for the faint of heart. You've got to be adherent to several rules, regardless of the situation, time of day, what have you. I don't break these rules, and most of them are akin to the Urinal Etiquette Regulations (see prior posts for a refresher).
1a. Eyes forward, up or down. No one appreciates a wandering eye in the locker room. Here's what happens when a dude is caught peering outside of his world: rumors start to surface about his sexuality, no matter what. Perhaps he was looking for an open space to blow dry his jumblies, who knows. But he's now attracted to men. It's just how it goes.
1b. Conversation must be kept to a minimum in there. Beyond the usual "excuse me", or "my bad, dude", keep your mouth shut and just do your business. I've noticed that every time two guys are having a conversation, it's just a little weird. Ever seen that Entourage where Eric is in the locker room with Josh Weinstein and Weinstein asks him, "Not a locker room guy?" Waht exactly is a "locker room guy"? A dude who likes to be in the presence of several sausages? I don't want to be lumped into this category...don't know about you. Which leads me to the next point...
1c. Everyone who showers in the locker room needs to be nude at some point, preferably either in the shower or directly in front of your locker. Why then, do some guys feel like the need to walk around sans towel when it's just not necessary? I do this at home sometimes, but it's MY HOME. And I can't recall a time when I changed next to another dude. There's only one person I'll change in front of happily. On the other end of this, I don't subscribe the theory of showering in a bathing suit at the gym. I think that's taking it a little too far, but homophobes are as they are. I can't blame them, I guess. But a part of me feels like these dudes are the same ones who wear a t-shirt in the pool.
1d. The lockers are close together and the room is usually packed at 8am. It is not necessary to spread your towel on the floor, covering the area of several lockers. There are spacial regulations...in front of your locker, spanning the width of the locker. I don't want your stinky socks near my feet, nor do I want to feel the residual spray from your Gold Bond powder as you pat your balls down. I can appreciate the cooling, soothing feeling of Gold Bond as much as the next guy, yes. But keep it to yourself.
1e. If you go for a steam before you shower, leaving your shit in one of the showers is not indicative of you 'saving' that shower. You can't save a shower, nor can you save a sink. I mean, really. Is this summer camp? We're not at Camp Anawanna, Donkey Lips (name the TV Show...please, someone get this reference). If you leave your shit in the shower to claim it, expect to see that shit on the floor in a pool of piss and lungies. (not mine...that's just what gathers on the locker room floor from time to time)
I just feel like I pay too much money to have to deal with some of the locker room antics that go on daily at the gym. On another note, any reason why the towels they provide are the size of hand towels? And they're about as thick as a paper towel, which is just silly. I have to use three different towels to dry my balls, for pete's sake. What can I say, I'm a little OCD about them being totally and utterly dry.
You'll notice I now have a new logo for the blog, thanks to my brother Mike. He sent me this pic last Friday...apparently he was making a sandwich and as he applied le moutarde, he thought it would be an appropriate logo. I concur.
7 comments:
What about the dudes who just wander around naked the whole time? You don't ever see them in the actual weight room or basketball court. I don't think some of these guys even work out or play noonball or anything, they just go to a locker room and walk around naked on their lunch hour.
Salute Your Shorts.
Wow, a Salute Your Shorts reference. One of my favorite exchanges:
Donkeylips: Someday I will go out with her.
Bobby: Stop dreaming and glue your macaroni.
Donkeylips: I can't.
Bobby: Why not?
Donkeylips: I ate it all.
Bobby: How? It was uncooked, rock hard, and covered with yellow spray paint.
Donkeylips: I thought that was cheese.
Wow, a Salute Your Shorts reference. One of my favorite exchanges:
Donkeylips: Someday I will go out with her.
Bobby: Stop dreaming and glue your macaroni.
Donkeylips: I can't.
Bobby: Why not?
Donkeylips: I ate it all.
Bobby: How? It was uncooked, rock hard, and covered with yellow spray paint.
Donkeylips: I thought that was cheese.
you said dangling phalusses
I second the "dudes who wander naked" theory. They are always no younger than 65. They have never worked out. They go to the gym merely for the sauna. Maybe the pool if your gym has a pool. They take up all the lanes doing backstrokes and pretend not to notice you standing above the lane tapping your foot impatiently trying desperately to get your 200 meters in before the "free swim" time comes to an end. They always weigh at least 300 pounds and usually have very hairy shoulders. Sometimes I wish I felt as comfortable as they do in the locker room. I have baggage from my college days. No one will ever be able to top my communal shower experiences as a first year cadet at VMI. Yes, use your imaginations and add a splash of demonic horror and you might be approaching the level of baggage I have. My threshold of locker room pain is much higher than most people's and therefore I am not nearly as bothered by gold bond powder touching my toes, or people trying to save sinks. But yes, the wandering naked guy is always very strange.
You forgot one other guy too. The, I stand at the urinal in bare feet while hacking so loud it sounds like 911 should be called. Sometimes this guy is also the naked wandering guy. This, above all else, standing bare foot while pissing in the urinal, does me in. Sometimes I wish I could just shake these people, but then I would be violating rule 1, 2 and 3 and I'm not about violating any locker room etiquete rules, no matter how much tolerance I have.
-Gilbert Von Donkeylips
Me and your boy Shvertz have discussed the locker room etiquette at our JCC many times over. Maybe you can actually guard me now after your full body transformation. Doubt it.
I will D you up all day, Ponch. I was never a shooter, nor do I have handle but what I can do...can do, pal...is D your scrawny ass up. Sure, I'll make the occasional back door cut for a lay-in, or dish it out like GP in his hey...but all day is reserved for a little D.
I think it would be best if you came down to LA next week for a little one-on-one. Hop in the '93 Mazda and bring it. Right buddy.
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