Urinal Etiquette, Take One.

Let me start off by congratulating the dynamic duo of Chuck and Steve, who collaborated to come up with the correct answer to my lyrical inquisition:

This line:

I want to be Jackie Onassis
I want to wear a pair of dark sunglasses
I want to be...Jackie O, O, O, oh please don't DIE.

is from the Rage Against the Machine song "Tire Me", off of their Evil Empire disc. As my father so appropriately pointed out, Steve is a Yankee fan/member of the Evil Empire...wait, the former Evil Empire. Some things are just meant to be, I guess. And as of this morning, both my father and Steve are proud owners of a Hollister fleece. Navy blue with white typing on the left breast. Quite nice, quite nice. More contests to follow...the next one will involve a prize of a Hollister fleece blanket. It's nice, you'll like it.

I had a few thoughts at the urinal this afternoon, as I drained my bladder for the third time today. There has got to be some sort of set guidelines for the bathroom, especially the urinals. The stalls carry their own set of codes and regulations but they're far less stringent since it is, after all, a private stall with a door. In terms of the urinal, there are some unspoken laws that need to be addressed because as some guys prove almost every day, these laws aren't universal.

First off, depending on the layout of your men's room, there are probably several stalls in a line or something of that nature. I have not been blessed with stall walls, or dividers, at this building's men's room. So privacy is at a minimum. Nonetheless, there are three urinals total. As a rule of thumb, when all three stalls are vacant, you are to choose either stall on the end. Further, if either end stall is taken, you choose the opposite end stall. The point here is that it is imperative to maintain as much space between urinators as possible. It's a matter of comfort, a matter of privacy and a matter of common sense...in my opinion.

Second, we have GOT to determine a universal distance for standing at the urinal. As in, you should be standing no more than three inches away from the actual urinal when you start to urinate. Ever been next to that drunk d-bag at the bar who stands like three feet away and kind of acts like he's shooting fish in a barrel? Yeah, unacceptable. Peeing is not a game, it's something we all do quite often as a human necessity. Let's keep it on that level and just stand no more than 3-4 inches away as we piss, ok?

Third, you may look up, you may look down, you may look straight ahead. Side to side is absolutely out of the question. Me personally, I'm a fan of looking up at the ceiling and whistling as I do my thing at the urinal. It's a great way of saying, "don't talk to me while I pee".

Fourth, if you must converse with another dude at the urinals, please keep this conversation contained within the following topics: sports, beer, cars. Actually, can't we just can all urinal discussion in general? There seems to be this feeling in corporate America that the urinals are a great place to catch up on the weekend, talk about the game, etc. Just wait until you're at the sink to do that shit. Conversation may spark the urge to look at the other person in the conversation and that's not supposed to happen at the urinal. See above.

Finally, there's this issue of noises that you may be allowed to make while you evacuate. This morning, and this kind of prompted this whole post, I was at a stall over from this janitor-looking fella who was making some truly weird noises at his stall. His etiquette was atrocious, by the way. Eyes side to side, standing a foot away and his method of getting out the last drops appeared to be borderline pornographic from my periphery. I digress...we're talking moaning, grunting, panting...everything. Aside from a medical condition, I can't think of any good reason why a man would have to grunt and moan while taking a piss. I'm ok with the occasional "oh, man" or "good god" if it's one of those times where you've been in a car for eight hours and your bladder nearly exploded. But avoid the noises. ***extenuating circumstances here might include passing a stone...noises totally ok in this case***

I think that does it, but feel free to add your own clauses and amendments to this list. One alternative form that I've seen and used at the urinal is the lean-to. I've used this in the past when inebriated....you put your forearm on the wall that the urinal is attached to and lay your head on your arm in a resting pose. This leaves out any possibility to look astray or talk. And it's relaxing.