Oh, Jackie.

Anyone that can name this tune gets a free fleece from the company I work for. Seriously, I'll send it to you...the first one to get it.

I want to be Jackie Onassis
I want to wear a pair of dark sunglasses
I want to be...Jackie O, O, O, oh please don't DIE.

Don't use google, that's just pathetic.

How many people named Jackie do you know? I don't know many, that's for damn sure. The one Jackie that I remember is someone that I never even met. She was a friend of a friend from college and she was someone that a group of girls playfully referred to as 'Jackie Buttcrackie'. I always loathed to hear this nickname spoken, because it really got under my skin. I don't know why, and it still does to this day. There's no reason for it, except for maybe not liking the people that came up with this nickname. That must be it. Wow, I just figured out why I hate it so much. Today is a good day.

I'd like to tell you of a girl named Jackie that is slowly becoming more of a part of my life as time goes on. I've spoken with her recently, but we've never met in person. Her story is one of true beauty and wonder...achievement and defying odds...struggle and depression. I'd like you all to listen to this story and think about what it means to you. It may mean nothing at all, and truthfully that's what I expect. But that just means you're a terrible person without a heart, soul or modicum of decency. Nah, I'm kidding. 'Tis the season to be a sardonic asshole, right?

Jackie is special. I know her through a close friend of mine that wanted me to have a chance to know someone like Jackie. There aren't many people in the world like her and you're about to find out why that is.

Standing not a shade under 7 feet tall, Jackie is a behemoth. Born a normal size, she sky-rocketed to over six feet tall by the fourth grade. Imagine the torment of fourth-graders to a six-footer...that happens to be female. Forget about glories on the basketball court at recess...no one wanted her on their team, no one wanted her as a friend...even teachers were reluctant to have Jackie in their classrooms. She was intimidating, gangly, and downright scary to be around. And it's pretty tough to make yourself invisible at that height. She had to have a special desk, a special cubby hole, a special coat hook and even a special lunch. Her appetite was massive and no single taco, apple sauce and snack pack pudding lunch was going to feed her rapidly growing frame. (the local high school would send over three regular lunches on a daily basis for Jackie...at least someone cared)

By the end of fourth grade, a six-foot, four-inch Jackie couldn't take it anymore. She told her parents that school wasn't for her and there had to be something else out there...something that would make her feel accepted; feel like a part of something where others were like her. After some careful research, she finally found a group of people that shared her plight. Enter Barnum & Bailey and their travelling freak show; more specifically, freakishly tall.

You've probably all at least heard of the freaks at the circus, right? And don't be afraid to use that term loosely because Jackie will be the first one to tell you that she's an absolute fucking freak. She interviewed with 20/20 once; they were doing a piece on such circus folk. When asked if it upset her that she had been cast out in such a cold way, she replied "Are you serious? Look at me. I'd have done the same thing if I were on the other end. I'm seven feet tall, open your eyes." Indeed...and I suppose it's better to accept your freakishness early on. It's probably much less damaging.

Since the normally tender age of nine, Jackie has been travelling with the B&B Circus and loving her life. People look at her in awe every day. Children ask for autographs all the time, a far cry from pointing and either laughing or screaming in fear. She's famous, in a way. She has fans, many friends and a family of circus folk who are just like her. She's even found love with a man named Igor from Romania. Igor stands over eight feet tall and has been featured on several documentaries on the Discovery Channel. To Igor, Jackie is not a freak. She's more normal, more beautiful and more special than any average-sized human could ever be. They've been married for three years this January and are expecting their first child over the summer. Odds are, that kid will be a fucking freak, too. But not to them.

Sure, none of this is true. But there really is a girl named Jackie that I don't know all that well. And for all I know she is in the circus.

And now I've wasted a really decent chunk of my day coming up with this mumbo-jumbo. And it was all for you, Jackie. Oh, Jackie. Maybe we'll meet someday.