March of Dims

You got it right, dims. As in dimwitted.

I'm pretty sure I first heard the word 'dimwit' from my father. Dad, feel free to refute this allegation. Regardless, I knew that a dimwit was on par with a twit, a numbskull or a turkey. Sure, each has its own little nuances thrown in with the literal meaning, but the commonalities are in the majority. Personally, I can't think of a better way to insult someone than to call him a turkey. It has all the undertones of a 'chicken', but it's faaaaaar worse. Don't just listen to it...hear it ringing in your ears: "You're nothing but a turkey."

I've come upon some unfavorable circumstances since I've been French in LA, or land of a thousand people who think they're really a million but they're really only a five-spot, at best. I'm sorry, I don't know what that means either. And now I'm beginning to get self-conscious about my commas, which isn't good, but isn't necessarily bad, but either way, is bad. Oh, the horror.

Listen, the point of this whole thing is merely to point out the consequences, should you find yourself waffling after calling someone a turkey. What not to do:

Don't start making turkey noises and movements, as if you are indeed a turkey yourself. Don't gobble and pull at the skin-laden portion in the front of your neck. Don't form wings with your arms and flap them while bending slightly forward and jutting your head forward intermittently, yet consistently. And under no circumstances should you engage in the act of laying an egg, although facetiously.

Do not back away, however. Do not utter the word "turkey" in order to offend someone and then just run away in cowardice. If he's indeed a turkey, he must be treated as such. Inspect his rib meat and the fatty parts under the armpits. Ask him about Thanksgiving and if he'd prefer baking slowly at 350 degrees or being tossed in a vat of scalding oil for 45 minutes to and hour, depending on weight. Tell him you like to eat your turkey with a bit of cranberry sauce and oh-so-tiny of a bite of mashed. Paw at his skin and tell him you hope it gets nice and crispy, because that's your favorite part.

Lastly, you should probably refer back to the previous paragraph and do the exact opposite. Run as far and as fast as you fucking can. This isn't the fifties, when you could really insult someone by calling them a butthead or a maroon. Call someone a turkey and you're most likely going to be beaten to death. Bludgeoned. Dental records will not be able to help in identifying your corpse. I feel for you.

Well, I hope this has been informative. Tune in next time, which could very well be in 2011.